This Probably Should Be Podcast

 Nobody blogs anymore but it's always been a media I've enjoyed, as long as it isn't a recipe I still enjoy reading other people's thoughts and processing. The fact of the matter is, I can't talk about this stuff. I have the equipment to podcast but really what do I have to share? My raw pain at this point isn't anything anyone wants to sit through.

My husband and I had a bomb go off in our life last year, it blew up right in our faces and the shrapnel ripped open and laid bare some old traumas and abuse. Along with the exposure came betrayal we could never have imagined, not just from the people who abused and hurt us but from other loved ones we thought were on our team. After all they were victims too. 

Trust is a terrible thing to break, because it's not just the trust of that person that is destroyed but the ability to trust anyone.  The innocence and trust between us has been shattered too. Hubby and I have been friends a very long time, we've always been very open with each other about our struggles and our feelings and I've always felt very secure in our friendship and relationship.  We've taken so much for granted, the ease and trust we've always had were such a gift. 

What I want to explore: 

How do you function on any level when you've been so deeply hurt and betrayed?  I'm struggling to connect with my kids, especially my older children because I feel so raw and exposed. I just want to crawl into a hole.

What am I doing to make life better and moving forward. Tangible things I'm trying to do daily.

How can my husband and I rebuild trust between us? This one hurts the most. He didn't betray me, his parents did, his family did, and yet everything between us feels insecure and broken too. He feels abandoned and betrayed. It's not fair.

How do we find trustworthy community? We moved to a new place. We know no one the people who we'd been cultivating relationship with are the ones who hurt us deeply and are no longer safe.

How do we stop feeling so freaking alone all the time? We go places trying to connect but it feels like we're shouting over an insurmountable wall.

How do we seek God's heart here.

Parenting: how do we find some equilibrium. Little kids don't stop needing to be discipled and parented just because you're going through a crisis. How do we do better at guiding them when we're so triggered and in pain most of the time?

We are in therapy but therapy doesn't fix the grief. I wish something did.